Most people who bottle up their feelings don’t realize it’s a problem. On the contrary, it’s been a solution for a long time. If you’re someone who has been a feelings-and-thoughts-represser for as long as you can remember, you might be wondering…
“How come now, all of a sudden, my solution (that has worked so well) is causing a problem?”
The answer is that it’s pushing the important people away.
One of the main problems with bottling up your feelings is that sometimes, the bottle explodes. It happens when you least expect it, and it can come out in some pretty nasty ways. When all of those feelings finally do come out, they’re big and unfiltered and can lead to massive ruptures in your relationships.
Taking a good hard look at how shutting down communication became a solution in the first place is a great way to use your time in therapy. Figuring out where you learned this behavior and deciding if you want to continue can be very helpful points of insight and clarity. In this post, however, I want to give you a few skills to help you along your path if you have indeed decided that it’s time to change course.
How to Stop Bottling Your Feelings, 3 Key Tips
- Know what you feel. To cut out the habit of not expressing what you feel, you’ve got to figure out what you do feel. There are lots of ways to do this. I suggest journaling, mindfulness meditation, walking, or running to reflect on your feelings that day. Here’s a Feelings/Emotion Wheel to get you started that will help you bump up your EQ (Emotional Quotient) and give you some clarity on what is possible in the wide world of emotions.
2. Express what you feel! You could write your feelings down in a journal, dance them to a song you love, draw them, let out a rage-y scream in your car, shed a few tears, or laugh to yourself. Get creative here. There’s no wrong way to express them, the point is to take them from the inside and let them out on the outside.
3. Lastly, and here’s the big one folks, you might play with expressing your feelings To Another Person. I know, I know, this one is big and hard and feels weird at first and you probably want to scroll right off this page and go somewhere else. But here’s the thing: that won’t get you out of the stuck place of always keeping your feelings bottled up, and having them come exploding out at inopportune times and in unskillful ways. Here are a few communication skills to get you started:
- Once you know what you feel, and you know what you need, you might experiment with using the formula ” I feel ________________ and I want _________________.” It’s an easy way to start to open up and express yourself to the people you care about (and maybe even some people that you don’t care about so much…). Example: “I feel hungry but tired, and I want you to figure out dinner for us tonight. Are you willing to take that on?”
- Ask your partner for a vent session, where you get to name whatever you want to about what you feel (an annoyance after a hard day at work, a frustration you’ve been keeping to yourself, some issue that’s been taking up your mind share). You can request feedback, advice, or just an empathic ear. See how your partner does with this request and information. Give them a chance to show you how supportive they can be. Notice how that feels. (spoiler alert: most people feel pretty good after a vent session.)
If you’re ready to take a deep dive and learn more about how to stop bottling up your feelings, contact me today. Let’s get it going.