During a conversation with a colleague this morning, “over-functioning” came up. In the mental health world, there are often conversations about working with clients who are lower functioning, or higher functioning.
Lower functioning generally defines someone who is struggling with daily living activities. Things like moving through a healthy routine on a day-to-day basis or maintaining steady employment. This is often due to socio-economic struggles, addiction, being without a home, and dealing with chronic and pervasive mental health challenges.
Higher functioning typically means someone who struggles with some mental health challenges, but who is still able to maintain a job, pay the bills, and keep to their obligations despite the challenging issues they face.
Over-functioning is when someone puts the icing, sprinkles, and candles on the cake of high functioning by not only taking care of themselves and their own needs but also veering out of their lane to take on the needs and wants of others.
Over-functioners often:
- Chronically anticipate others’ needs and make attempts to meet those needs
- Predict or mind-read situations and people to prevent distress or conflict
- Take too much (or an inappropriate amount of) responsibility for situations
- Jump in to rescue others from the consequences of their actions
- Carry a heavy mental/cognitive load
- Do the bulk of the emotional labor in their relationships
In a relationship, over-functioning can look like:
- Preventing or mitigating one’s discomfort by doing things like overexplaining, repeating oneself, finishing other people’s sentences, or not allowing space for silence in conversations
- Taking on tasks or chores one assumes no one else will want (without having the conversations that could clarify actual interest or desire)
- Doing things for other people that they can do for themselves (often due to difficulty with tolerating the distress of waiting for something to get done or having it done in a way that you don’t like)
- Asking “Does that make sense?” or asserting “But what do I know/I’m probably wrong!” immediately after sharing something
Overfunctioners are also known as:
- Fixers
- Rescuers
- Codependents
- People-pleasers
- Self-sacrificers
- Controllers
- Perfectionists
“This sounds awful! Why would anyone over-function?”
The Early-Childhood Would of Responsibility-Taking: Over-functioning adults were once children who were likely given too much responsibility. Perhaps having grown up in a household with parents who were physically or emotionally absent or addicted created a situation where a child took responsibility for tasks or situations that were the adults to own.
Role-modeling: If you over-function, did you have a parent or caregiver who also over-functioned? If this was the case, then it’s likely that this relationship dynamic was normalized for you.
Anxiety: Many people over-function out of fear of what would happen if they didn’t. The feeling of discomfort or awkwardness that could potentially arise in a conversation that hits a lull can feel like it would be too much to bear.
Conflict Avoidance: Those who are averse to conflict and “avoid it at all costs” will often bend over backward to ensure that others stay happy so they can avoid any type of disagreement.
How to Stop Over-Functioning
I know I sound like a broken record here, but self-awareness is still Step One. You have to become aware of the fact of your over-functioning before you can do anything to change it. A couple of emotional cues that might alert you to your over-functioning include resentment, irritability, anger, and a loss of attraction or libido in your primary relationship. After all, taking emotional care of someone you don’t see as capable or view as an equal, or worse, that you see as entitled, is not sexy.
Once you become aware that you’re over-functioning, which you might realize you do, for example, in your conversations with friends, get to the heart of the matter and look at your anxiety. What are you afraid will happen if you let them finish their sentence? Finding ways to self-soothe in those precarious moments of silence using breathing techniques, body-based grounding skills, or a mantra such as “taking a moment to pause is normal” or “I can take a deep breath now” can be helpful as you shift into a new way of relating.
Experiment with not tacking on an “… If that makes sense” after you tell a story or share something. Does your conversation partner appear confused? Or does it seem like they followed along with you? Alternatively, catch yourself before you fall into the refrain of “But what do I know?” or “But maybe I’m wrong!” after sharing your perspective with someone else. Give them a chance to respond with their take on things or to inquire more about your experience.
Practice doing less. Even one less thing than you typically do. Let others pick up the slack and rise to the occasion of making more of an effort or contribution.
Develop assertiveness skills, so that if conflict does arise, you can stand up for yourself or share your viewpoint with confidence.
Develop a relaxation routine or practice.
Getting the support of a seasoned professional can also be helpful. If you’re ready to look at this over-functioning dynamic in yourself and would like some support, drop me a line.