by wholeselftherapy | Nov 4, 2018 | The Book Report
I recently wrapped up my reading of Kristen Neff’s book Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. I thoroughly enjoyed the book and found myself introducing my clients to ideas and exercises that I read about as I went through the book. Neff has a gift for writing and I particularly liked the way she combined her research with her personal experiences in a way that made much of the book both relatable and rooted in the scientific process.
One idea that seems to be coming up for me repeatedly, and which this book reinforced, was the importance of shifting from a “we’re all incredibly unique” mentality to a “we are all largely alike” mentality. Perhaps as a result of the time in which I was raised, I have always believed that we are all different, but I am coming to see the truth and value of the fact that we are really all similar. We all want to be happy, we all have skills at which we excel, we all deal with the same landscape of emotions, and we all must contend with life’s challenges on life’s terms. We all are wired for connection and tend to feel happier when we are in a state of connectedness, and we suffer when we feel disconnected from others. When I first came across this idea, I cringed, but the more I am exposed to it the more it makes sense to me: we are not really that unique after all.
Another idea that Neff explores is the myth of self-esteem. Once known as the holy grail of success, Neff accesses the inherent flaws with the pursuit of self-esteem and espouses the idea that self-compassion is a far worthier pursuit (a sentiment with which I agree).
Many of the exercises are relevant to myself and those with whom I work in my private practice. Anyone who struggles with a strong inner-critic or inner perfectionist would benefit from some of the tools Neff shares. My personal favorite is a manta to be utilized in moments of suffering and it goes something like this:
This is a moment of suffering.
Suffering is a part of the human condition.
May I be kind to myself in this moment, in the face of my own suffering.
What can I do, in this moment, to express care and compassion for my own challenging experience?
I highly recommend this book. Have you read it? What did you like?
by wholeselftherapy | Jan 22, 2017 | The Book Report
Over the holidays I was exposed to the documentary film Minimalism, which is about simplifying life through letting go of material things. This film has since come up in quite a few conversations I’ve had over the past few weeks and the concept of finding more happiness with fewer things seems to be striking a chord with many.
After seeing the movie, I recalled that the book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo had been recommended to me last year, which seemed to be in alignment with the values set forth in the Minimalism film. Additionally, the book offered the promise of a life transformation along with some practical ‘how-to’ instruction. I tore through the book last Friday, and truly enjoyed its readability and simple instruction. I would suggest it for anyone looking to make a little space and/or a big change!
In addition to the clearcut instruction: “discard first… keep only things that will spark joy in your life,” Kondo also invites us to consider the meaning of our possessions in our lives – both at the time of procurement and in the present moment. As a way to further explore any resistance that we may have to letting go of certain items, we are instructed to inquire what is the item’s true purpose, and has this item already fulfilled its role in your life?
One of my favorite passages is this one in which Kondo reflects on her relationship to her things, and her early challenges with trust and sharing her emotions: “Because I was poor at developing bonds of trust with people, I had an unusually strong attachment to things.” I wondered as I read these words how common of an issue this is for us in today’s society when hoarding has become a phenomenon affecting as many as 5% of the world’s population.
Another element of this book that is near to my heart includes cultivating appreciation for our belongings, honoring them for the beauty, protection, or efficiency that they bring to our lives. As gratitude is a practice scientifically proven to combat depression, including our belongings in this process can help us to further strengthen the neural pathways of appreciation and boost our serotonin and dopamine, which ultimately can improve our relationships with ourselves and others.
Happy Reading!
