In the course of a human life-span, there are so many transitions to contend with. Most of us will transition, as children, from one school to another. Many of us will move from one home to another, sometimes it will be a ‘big move’ to another state. About half of us will deal with the divorce of our parents in childhood.
As adults, we often have major transitions to college and into the working world. At these times we are thrust into a new world that demands that we find new resources: new people to depend on, new grocery stores to find our sustenance, new schedules and daily routines. We may have to find new ways to relate if we are in an entirely different culture.
In any transition there is often an anticipatory period, an acute period of active transitioning and an adjustment period.
In the anticipatory period we are contemplating the transition and planning for the change to come. This phase can take weeks, months, or years. When the transition is a sudden death or unexpected situation, we skip this phase.
In acute transition we are in the throes of labor and delivery if we are giving birth, we are hauling boxes and furniture if we are moving, we are signing a marital license and saying our vows if we are getting married, or having the difficult conversations about terminating a relationship if one needs to come to an end. The acute phase is the shortest one, but often the most emotionally or physically taxing.
In adjustment, we are working on acclimating to our new life situation. Unpacking – both literally and figuratively – is taking place. Perhaps we enlist the support of a friend or therapist to process the shift and come to terms with what has taken place and how we can reorient ourselves to what is happening now.
When life’s big changes take place, we often lose our rhythm with our coping skills and healthy habits. Due to various factors, we stop doing the things that we generally rely on to keep us grounded or centered.
This is a big part of what makes transitions so hard:
STRESS
Another major factor:
UNCERTAINTY
While smooth transitions are ideal, they don’t always happen. Last minute SNAFUs, delays, and setbacks seem more likely when we’re in the midst of making changes. Uncertainty and the anxiety that it can bring about can be so overwhelming that it can keep us stuck in the familiar, yet undesirable, forever.
Life Transition Therapy in Asheville
If you are finding yourself in a period of transition and would like to talk about what is coming up for you: whether you are seeking closure, clarity, or needing support, I would be happy to help. Contact me today to see if we’d be a good fit to work together.
Asheville is such a wonderfully unique community. An oasis of open-mindedness and diversity amid an otherwise deeply conservative bible belt. In the abundant therapeutic community we have, your options for providers are many. When it comes to wanting to talk about some of the most intimate aspects of your humanity, your gender identity or sexual life, the provider you choose for counseling can determine the success of your endeavor.
I offer a sex-positive approach, which promotes safe and consensual expressions of sexuality. It is my view that sexuality, in its many forms, is a healthy and life-giving part of our human experience.
Sexual experience is not the same for everyone. Not everyone chooses monogamy. Everyone does not identify as the gender they were assigned at birth. Sexual attraction to the “opposite gender” is not always the case. It is vital to honor these variations in our experience.
I offer gender-affirming care in my psychotherapy practice for individuals that identify as gender diverse, gender nonconforming, transgender, genderqueer, or nonbinary.
In my counseling practice I work with:
LGBTQIA
Monogamy and Polyamory
Kink/BDSM
Sexual Identity
Gender Identity
Transgenderism
Sexual Self-Esteem and Confidence
Infidelity
Sexual Dissatisfaction
As a cisgender female identifying woman (pronouns: she/her/hers) I am aware of my own privilege and I am not an expert on, nor do I truly understand what it is like to be trans or gender nonconforming. However, I do have a deep respect for these experiences and can support, affirm, and hold space for individuals on these journeys.
Also, while I am not a certified sex therapist, and I do not provide couples therapy, I can offer a knowledge base of issues faced by individuals struggling in the areas of gender, intimacy, sexual preference, and anxiety related to sex.
I offer an accepting, non-judgmental space to explore your unique sexuality and challenges you are facing.
So many of us struggle with the daily grind of motherhood. Depending on our children’s ages, it could be exhaustion, maintaining a demanding nursing/feeding/sleeping schedule, lack of family support, emotional meltdowns/tantrums, social obligations, sibling feuds, a general lack of resources, or other life stressors that we find most challenging. While motherhood can be incredibly isolating, it can also be an incredible growth opportunity – a time that we shift our focus and understanding, or our way of showing up in the world.
Coming together in a small group format of 4-6 women, Mindful Mamas will gather weekly to learn about and explore the intersection of Buddhist philosophy and motherhood. Groups are a great way to find connection, validation, and perspective on our life situation. In this six-week group that includes both educational and experiential components, we will cover the following:
The basics of Buddhist philosophy and how they relate to the everyday challenges of motherhood
Ways to deal with negative emotional states such as guilt, anger, and worry from a Buddhist perspective
Mindfulness practices that will best serve you in discovering and maintaining inner calm and presence
As a mother of a toddler and step-mother to both a tween and a teen, I can relate to the need for practices to sustain, nourish, and cultivate the inner calm necessary to remain afloat in the occasionally murky waters that are motherhood! As a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice, I hold certifications in Buddhist Psychology and Teaching Classical Hatha Yoga. I have been a practitioner of yoga and meditation for over fifteen years and I feel that both my life and the lives of my loved ones are benefitted from these great traditions.
In the past year I have been enrolled in and engrossed by a certificate course on traumatic stress, offered by The Trauma Center and The Body Keeps the Score author Besel Van Der Kolk. During weekly lectures, I have learned more about different types of traumatic experiences and ways to work with these experiences in psychotherapy than I would have previously thought possible!
One particular area of my research is something that is referred to under many different names: Developmental Trauma/Attachment Trauma/Interpersonal Trauma/Early Attachment Wounds/Slow Trauma
This is the trauma that results from a lack of attunement in early life experiences, either in infancy or childhood, with our primary caregivers. The experience of neglect, or of absence of care in the tender moments when we most needed attention, support, loving kindness from the adults in our lives, especially when this lack becomes the standard rather than the exception, can be incredibly damaging to the nascent psyche of a child. It is sometimes called slow trauma because it takes place over time, during repeated experiences of not being reassured, held, or supported by a mature adult when we are most in need of care, rather than one specific traumatic event that occurred.
As adults, we can experience the damaging effects of this neglect as feelings of self-doubt, worthlessness, low self-esteem, as a sadness that seem to be without origin, and often, it results in challenges regulating internal states of distress and can lead of chronic anxiety and depression.
A passion of mine is working with individuals dealing with this type of trauma. Attachment therapy in Asheville is best done in person, with a therapist who can co-create a safe space with you to explore the wounds of early childhood.
Through connecting with the inner child that was hurt, deep grieving, and cultivating new practices that support and nurture the Self, we can return to the source of the pain and heal the parts of the self that most need nurturance.
“I’m not a good meditator, I can’t stop my thoughts”
“I’m not a good breather”
I can’t count the times I have heard these sentiments expressed, but every time I hear them, they break my heart a little bit. Truth be told, I am guilty of having said the second statement myself. I said it during my first year of graduate school, in my mid-twenties, during a time that I was encountering multiple new worlds: yoga, meditation, fully embodied presence and clear and effective feelings-focused communication which I had never before encountered. I was overwhelmed and awed by this paradigm shift and in my new understanding of what was possible.
I was also extremely self-critical. I had come to associate the relentlessly analytical judge in my mind who let me know when I had said or done the wrong thing with my true self. (I later realized this judge was an impostor!)
I know now that I am a natural-born breather. I know that my breath will sometimes be fast and labored, particularly during times of heightened stress. I also know my breath can be slow and steady. It can calm and soothe me when I harness its power to affect my parasympathetic nervous system. I also know that my breath can be used as a tool to anchor me in the present moment, so that I can be fully aware and come back to the now when my mind begins to wander or I get lost in my own thoughts.
As a part of my work as a licensed professional counselor, I often introduce clients to meditation and breathing exercises, and I often hear these “I’m bad at it” concerns expressed. Dispelling the myths about what mediation is and is not is often the first step in that process. Above is a short video by Dan Harris and Sharon Salzberg that breaks down some of those myths and includes a few minutes of guided meditation so that you can learn and practice on your own. Below is another, longer guided meditation by meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg.
You may be familiar with one or more of the following issues arising in your intimate relationships:
Inability to be present, or unawareness of what that really means
Lack of understanding around the concept of empathy, and how to do it
Trouble with just listening to your partner, feeling yourself frequently taking the role of ‘problem solver’ or ‘fixer’
Your partner has expressed feeling unheard by you, like you aren’t understanding them or listening when they want to share and process their feelings
In my private psychotherapy practice I provide therapy for men and have the great honor and privilege of working with men who enlist my support in cultivating their emotional intelligence. Some of these men have experienced a lack of intimate relationships, while others have not been able to show up in their long term relationships in a way that sustains the growth of their unions.
I recently watched and was deeply inspired by the documentary film The Mask You Live In, about the role that American culture plays in shaping the identities of our boys and men, and how we teach our boys from a young age that having and expressing emotions is the objectionable territory of girls and women only. The resulting tragedy of this insidious message is that boys and men don’t learn to connect with the full range of their human experience, and therefore don’t connect with others either.
Sometimes boys are raised in fatherless families of origin, or have an inaccessible father who is out-of-touch with his own emotions, is abusive, or is otherwise not a good example for kind and open communication. This lack of role modeling, paired with the cultural stigma of boys expressing emotions (and the berating that often follows) can create the conditions whereby men do not develop their emotional selves and later find that they are not skilled in creating intimacy with loved ones through sharing the feelings closest to their hearts or empathizing with their partner’s experiences.
Together, we can look at the obstacles that might be preventing you from creating and building the types of bonds you would like to have. Additionally, we can explore your abilities in the following areas of effective communication and work on strengthening your skills so that you can move forward with confidence in your ability to sustain positive and loving connections:
Presence
Active Listening
Empathy
Identifying and Sharing Your Own Feelings, Body Sensations, Emotions
Please contact me if you would like to learn more about effective communication and build your skill-set.
